Do you ever find yourself in a period of stress and have those voices going through your head? You subconsciously replay the scenarios, and the voices either help you make light or sense of the situation, or they feed you with doubt and negativity until you find yourself utterly furious, sad, or lost.
I have carried these voices throughout my life, and they have always been a happy, positive experience for me. Reassuring me that everything will be fine. That although I might have dealt with life’s difficulties differently, I did my best, and that’s enough. I’m writing this and hoping that everyone else has these and it’s not just me.
Recently however, these voices have taken over my life. I can only presume that it’s due to perimenopause or the dreadful situation I find myself in at work. But I have allowed these voices to turn me into someone I’m not. There are very few reassuring, happy or positive discussions going on up there. They are mainly negative, sad, and at times scary.
Imagine my shock when my lovely therapist asked me to write some of these thoughts down. At first, I reacted by laughing though many tears, and asking her if this was safe? Being completely honest, there are more than a few scary thoughts up there and admitting that a dark part of your head is telling you to to blow the whole thing up is entirely shameful. I may pluck up the courage to talk about that in my next blog!
I did as she asked, and over the course of two weeks, dealing with work colleagues that I’d quite happily never see again, I wrote down what my madopausal brain was telling me. It was very scary and very interesting. But it made me realise that…
Perhaps I do need to analyse my inner dialogue.
My goodness, the voices were all over the place, but mainly extreme thoughts of hatred of me, of doom and of destruction. They were almost all daring me to blow the whole thing up at work. To take it all the way with the organisation and to cause mayhem. They also told me that I am hated and that I hate everyone. And that I should just leave and walk away. Perhaps I still should, that’s all yet to be discovered.
Image: https://worditout.com/
But here’s the thing. There were tiny little snippets of the old me hidden in there. The positive, calm, forgiving and understanding person, telling me it’s all going to be ok and to stay positive.
I took this to my therapist at the next session (rather shyly), and she offered ways to consider this dialogue and to think about whether I actually, truly believe what my mind was telling me. It got us to explore some of the areas:
- I know that they don’t hate me (ok, there will be a couple of folk that do, but that’s ok!) Most of my colleagues are friends, and we we have all gone through and experienced the same issues and for those who felt strong enough, all tried to speak up and sort it out.
- I can’t just leave, mainly because I don’t want to. But also because I’m bloody good at my job and am well paid for what I do. Ok, it might come to this, but not without a fight.
- I can’t take it all the way, because this would be catastrophic to my friends. Causing hurt to those I care for would only harm me more. So I choose my friends over my need to set things right.
- Yes, F**K them all, that still stands. Perhaps it’s time to just acknowledge it for what it is. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Change will happen, even if it is slow.
Finally, it all comes down to what I want and what I don’t want. I want to get back to a place where I am positive. Where I see the good in people. Where I can forgive and move on. Where I can get on with things without giving others the power to change who I am.
So, I will actively consider my inner dialogue and seek the truth from it. I will think positively and analyse the reality from what my thoughts are trying to tell me. Only by doing this, will the more positive thoughts in my brain grow bigger than the others.
If I can say one thing about this experience, it is to embrace your inner thoughts. Let them sit with you, and don’t be afraid to write them down. They might be scary, but you have the ultimate power to analyse them and decide what you want to do with them and which ones you want to lead with.
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