I have put this day off for a few months now (ok, it may be a year). I keep telling myself that I don’t need help. I convince myself that things will get better. They aren’t. In fact, things are only getting worse. But finally, after a very difficult counselling session, my wonderful therapist has opened my eyes.

You see, I’ve been telling myself for such a long time, that this anger, this stress, this feeling of utter helplessness is just my hormones. The HRT will keep it at bay, and it’ll get easier; perhaps tomorrow.

But the reality is, I need help. No amount of HRT is going to patch up what’s going on here. The issue is not my hormones; it’s stress. And it’s because of the trauma over the last who knows how long at work.

What I find interesting is that until recently, I didn’t realise that I had been holding off getting help, because I don’t want to lose control of myself by taking antidepressants. It’s my biggest fear! I have literally always been in control of my every thought, emotion, action – of every single element of my life. But by living in this way, I now realise that I have absolutely no control of anything.

The therapist has helped me to realise that…

Perhaps I need to lose control to take back control of my life.

I’ll admit that I am terrified. But with only 30 minutes to go before I see my GP, I’m fully on board to go in there and ask for help. I need the GP to take control for a little while and help me find the right medication to get back on track.

I have always been put off taking antidepressants, believing that they will make me numb and will diminish my spark. The truth is, I’m barely a glimmer of who I used to be. I’ve lost my carefree, happy, positive outlook because it has been worn down by years of working in a toxic work environment.

I have taken time off for the first time in over 25 years to focus on myself and to try to heal. But I have absolutely no chance of this if I don’t ask for help.

If there is anyone else in my position, wondering if it is your hormones or your life situation that is causing you to feel totally detached from the world, please lose your control for a moment and get help. I’m absolutely sure that this will be the right step forward in healing.